Whisky Tour

This poem was written to be performed. Fast, like rap. It is a tour driving north up the west coast of Scotland, across the top and down the other side, visiting the whisky distilleries in roughly the right order. Let's go!


WHISKY TOUR

Kinclaith, Moidart,
Oban, Knoydart,
Inchmurrin and Nevis and Long.
Where Dornoch in the east no match
For the sheer-cliff-faced Liathach
And deep Loch Torridon.

Campbeltown’s bell-end of Kintyre
Hangs low along the coast
From Scotia and Springbank in the shade
To Tobermoray to drink Ledaig.
Glen Shira supped by Rob Roy’s ghost
Where the Crow Road’s winding higher.

The breeze blows peat smoke over the hills
Of Ellen and Bowmore,
Fans wicker man flames on Summer Isle,
The sun sets gold beyond the Kyles
Of Bute, Lochalsh and Connalmore.
The A9 up Speyside to Aberlour
Stop in Knockando for a dram or four -
Balvenie, Benrhinnes and Cragganmore.

Albyne and Goyne, Skiag Bridge,
Stac Pollaidh’s crusty, spiky ridge.
The A894 to Calbha Mor
Craighouse on Jura and Barnhill Shore
Where Orwell wrote 1984.
Eddrachillis Bay at Drumbeg;
‘Of a thousand islands’ it is said
(Clouds of midges swarming round your head).

Caol Ila distils in a beautiful spot
Eagles cause Lochranza to stop
Cause they nest almost on top of the pots.
Back to the beaten track:
The A90 to distilleries
Benriach, Rothes and Balmenach
And south-south-west from Stoer;
Glenfiddich and Glen Grant.
Trotternish and Vaternish,
Corkeval and Healaval,
Allt-a-Vane and Daluaine,
Lochy, Lossie, Lant.

For Lowland try Bladnoch,
Rosebank and Garioch.
Macallan and Moray,
Scalpay and Islay,
Talisker for more whisky;
Glen Ord and Askaig,
Strathmill and Laphroaig,
Tomatin and Tomintoul
Nearby on the Spey.

Longmorn and Mortlach
The Inshore Road to Wrath
Where underground at Durness;
Smoo, Dhu, Eriboll and the rest
And east again to John O’Groats:
Clynelish and Pulteney with the wildcats and the boats.
The water of life tastes more tame
In Brora and Brackla,
Morangie and Tain.
Sip Scapa by the Lingro Burn
Where Orphir Orkney pecks the sea;
Last but not least, it’s Highland Park’s turn
Have a dram, you deserve it – slainte – on me!

Performed at Glasgow Worldcon, 2005